She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
