you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
