Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
