Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
