so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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