The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
