Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
