At least make sure they are 18
Why
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
A bitchslap is in order.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize