I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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