Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This baby is an asshole
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
