Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
