I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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