I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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