thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
