Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
