batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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