I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what day is it and did you see me today?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
