I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
