I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
