one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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