So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hippo gnu deer
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
