Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
