In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
