I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
