I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
