made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I miss vodka workout Fridays
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
