I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize