just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
