yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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