I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
they need to just BURY HIM!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
