Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he fucked my hip out of place.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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