There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
