I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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