sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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