You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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