You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
