just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
