They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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