my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
