just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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