Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
