my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize