WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
