I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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