I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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