Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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