I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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