I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
