oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
