Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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