Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
