dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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