I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize