he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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