I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
