well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize