I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
