Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
