Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
