You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Randomize
