she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
