so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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